Dear AFL star Gary Ablett,
I write to you regarding your remuneration for the 2018 AFL season, in which you intend to play with the Geelong Football Club.
It’s an exciting and romantic prospect. A bit like your Mum and Dad getting back together after a divorce. One day you realise that the tanned Argentinian Tennis coach (Gold Coast in this analogy, and yes, you are Mum) wasn't the love, set, match you’d thought it’d be, compared to the strong, familiar arms of Dad (Geelong).
Please understand I am in no one way affiliated with the club, I’m not even a paid member. I am just a keen supporter who drives past Kardinia Park each day, dreaming dreams and pontificating schemes.
My biggest concern is this thing may not happen for financial reasons. So I propose to outline a case on why you should play for free. If you agree, this will allow Dad to pay out the Tennis Coach your share of the house you built together…confused?
What I’m suggesting is Geelong pays out your 2018 Gold Coast contract in cash, fruit from Frank Costa or the tears of Joel Selwood (which are so rare they are worth more than BitCoin) or a combination of all three, and you come play with us for free. Good idea right?
Here are some compelling reasons why playing for Geelong is worth doing for nothing.
Geelong is cool now. Our coffee is off the hook, our restaurants are now on lists and we even have a brewery now so people with beards to work. My mate Mike opened a barbers shop and he’s got tattoos! Not that you’d need his services, but he has assured me if you come back, Get Shorty’s will start offering head polishes.
I know you are a man of God, so we have you covered there. My church will put you up and even offer you the comfort of an upgraded massage physiotherapy chair to aid recovery. Should you have a Sunday game, we’ll be happy to move a service to match your schedule.
Your friend Zac Smith is down at the club. Who wouldn’t want to work with their good mate? Personally, I wouldn't - my mate Mick is the only person I know who is taller than me so if he were around my office, I wouldn't have that strange tallest-person-in-the-room-power I’ve become so used to.
In regards to your number, we have a few options. Cam Guthrie feels he has made the number 29 his own and won't give it up. He feels the same way about his hair though. Nakia Cockatoo could move down a step to Andrew Mackie’s vacated number 4 giving you access to Senior’s number. But if you're like me, you don't want to dress too much like your Dad so can I suggest we give 00. It’s unique. Plus if you get mud flecks in the middle of each zero it would look like intimidating eyes.
Post footy, your employment prospects are looking better down here than when your old man and Billy Brownless were kicking around. Our major employers are now the likes of Cotton On Group. I know Joel has a sweet gig out there as an ‘Ambassador’ so I’m sure they could hook you up as Visual Merchandiser and throw you a few free pairs of carrot jeans.
Housing is much more affordable down here compared to the major cities, but a man of your means could afford anything along the Great Ocean Road. You could afford to buy the entire great ocean and its associated road if you wanted! Living down there seems to have worked for Danger. He may not like someone getting in on that football-recluse-from-the-sand-dunes vibe that he has going on though.
Ford will hook you up with a car too. They still sponsor the Cats. I was thinking something low profile and unsuspecting, so you can get to and from the Aldi carpark without getting noticed. Maybe a Fiesta? Or even better still a Transit, so that you can be designated driver on Taco Tuesdays.
The best reason why you should choose to play for free? Because it would be revolutionary for a player to play AFL in 2018 purely for the love of the game and club. But then maybe that’s the romantic in me. I’m hoping there’s one in you too.