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The No C's Diet

The Archive of Blackframes.com.au posts

Old posts from the original Blackframes site

The No C's Diet

Lach Ryan

Shot of a funny  woman housewife dressed in retro style.

I am good at very few things. Eating is one of them. Inspired by b-grade TV show 'Man vs Food' I have started entering eating competitions...granted these are with myself, but the competitive digestive juices still flow. However, I cannot stay on this gluttonous path. I have up-sized my efforts to get the balance right when it comes to eating and have developed the framework of a diet that will ensure a slim silhouette and many appearances of TV Shows that air before noon. Large Ladies and jolly, fat Gentlemen I would like to introduce you to my revolutionary NO C's Diet. Once in a generation a diet comes along that defines that era along with its music, fashion and politics. Who can forget such dietary classic as the Atkins? or The South Beach, The Mad Hatter's Tea Party, CSIRO, Liver Cleansing, A Walk to Remember starring Mandy Moore and the Estonian Egg famine? Essentially the NO C's is a simple system of what not to eat. It concentrates on the obvious and not-so obvious.Here's an overview...

Week 1 -6 Simply eat whatever you like, but run twice as much as you normally do. Easy huh? Never run. Get off your ass and move those legs. Marathon runner in training? Well bud those 84kms aren't going to get completed arguing with a blog post via computer screen.

Week 7-12 By now you should have noticed general well-being improvements, possible drastic weight loss, a sense of renewed confidence and purpose and an appreciation for open spaces. Great! Buckle up because now we go to the next level.Your eating plan starts here and requires you to cut out all of the following-

Cigarettes- it looks unbelievably cool to smoke, but good looks don't count for much when you're dead, unless you believe in Model Heaven. Cakes- Blow the candles out on any goods from the flour fueled family such as muffins, friands, biscuits, pancakes, waffles or flan. Chips - Remember girls 'a packet a day keeps progress away'... and the potential of you ever needing to by a notebook titled 'Notes for my Wedding' Carbohydrate sides- no potatoes, pasta, cous cous, polenta, rice, packet or artisan breads. Don't even consider a plate that has come into contact with these sides, less they talk with the rest of the meal and influence them with starchy ideas. Cans and Casks- alcohol is gone. Maybe so is your confidence and social life, but you needed to know this sooner or later. Coffee- the withdraws will be more prolonged than the US getting out of Afghanistan, but just think that at the end of the day, you alone will rule your nervous system and not some tribal Pakistani warlord (the coffee bean in this analogy). Cereal- forget starting the day with this. Try fruit, skipping it altogether or just eating a picture of your favorite food you cut from the supermarket catalogue.

Week 13 -16 For the final 4 weeks we tackle some often overlooked factors, to get you the results many chase but very few capture.

Cats- a hard one for many, but to loose the fat you've got to loose the feline out of your diet. If you find it too hard, at least try to change to low fat Kittens or even possums who are higher in protein. Catalogues- the staple of any weight loss diet is eating pictures of foods cut from supermarket catalogues (see cereals). In order to shed yourself past the edge of never-before, put down the scissors and go for something else less intangible. Cabbage- Who doesn't love a whole cabbage from the local Cabbage shop after a few drinks on a Friday night? Sorry these are off the menu along with the alcohol. Chocolate- strange as it may seem, but recent research shows that chocolate consumption may be heavily linked to many forms of obesity, fat gain, diabetes and general ill health. Whilst the so-called Doctors have yet to prove any of this, anecdotal evidence suggest backing off on the bars may offer some people some weight loss benefits. Sounds just crazy enough to work!

 Following this diet over the course of 16 weeks along with a Government approved calisthenics program will see you experiencing weight loss gains like a jockey in Spring Carnival. Keep those before-and-after shots coming...