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Real Men Don't Eat from Cans

The Archive of Blackframes.com.au posts

Old posts from the original Blackframes site

Real Men Don't Eat from Cans

Lach Ryan

eat can food

Whether it’s a bumper crop, a feature film, a balanced budget or just a few kids, real men produce. So when it comes to food, something we do three times per day, a man must be productive. Food is sustenance. Without it, shelter, water, emotional support, a torch and perhaps an strategy for dealing with wolves, life will cease to exist. That is why I am stating that Real Men™ don’t eat from cans, jars or tubs. One thing a jar has never produced (besides affordable housing) is a proper meal.

Now to clarify, I do understand that occasional these receptacles may be the chariot by which certain ingredients arrive in dishes; however they are not intended to be the plate itself. Men at heart are hunters, bringing down the beast of the lands and the plants of the rugged soil (you try making vegetarianism sound sexy). This has been the case ever since God clicked the Swatch watch of time onto 'go'. The new hunting grounds are now at the wholesale markets, local farmers market or roadside stalls where men can get proper with produce. But wrestling with a hygienic sealed lid that even Ironman would struggle to open, is not 'cooking'. No matter how creative you can be with a can-opener, it’s not the makings of a Masterchef audition routine.

To dismiss food preparation as a lady-skill is pure folly, like believing socks and sandals to be a necessary combination. Most of the world’s greatest chefs are male. Our mothers and sisters have longed delivered from the kitchen, but when the heat is applied and the cupboard bare, a man must step in. We've got it wrong. Women have it easier in the kitchen. Why did we choose the backyard? Get them under the hood or on the tools while you get your hands into a cake mix. It's an easier way, plus it ends with cake.

Men should know how to cook. I can think of nothing worse than being an old man, my wife long dead from the zombie virus that I survived thanks to my Swiss Army knife, and being unable to generate a regular meal for myself. My hunting reduced to nothing more than a feeble reaching at cans on the shelves of my local Coles, not caring if it is cat food, apricots or coconut milk. I would rather decapitate myself with the serrated blades of the can-opener than subject myself to that sort of daily menu.

So what is to be done about remedying this trend? Man up and buy a cook book! Can't read? Then watch TV or the Internets. There is this guy Jamie Oliver who is pretty killer at doing cooked food. Listen and learn from him. Stop opening the jar/cans and start opening your minds. Women love a man who can cook. Men love women who can cook, so you really can’t lose.

There is well known saying - "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime".

I would add “Teach that dude to cook; and you've got the makings of a successful seafood restaurant."