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Old posts from the original Blackframes site

>Oh My God!

Lach Ryan

9+I have decided to come out of closet; it’s hard in comedic circles to admit with prevailing attitudes and perceptions. I’m one of those boys that are labeled with a three letter work starting with ‘G’. That’s right readers- I’m a God Boy! I first felt this way inclined at a young age when I realised I wasn’t like the other kids in Sunday school. I became more comfortable with my beliefs in my teenage years. I clearly remember the day I accepted my spirituality. I was sitting in the bean bag den with my sandal wearing, mandolin playing, youth leader Jonah. Over some cucumber sticks and chickpea dip, he showed me it was OK to believe and feel the things I did. Later that night I went home and told my parents. Mum was fine, but Dad is still a bit uneasy about it all, especially when I bring home a new bible study partner. Now before you get all Theophobic on me, I’m not here to bible-bash. ‘Bible-bash’ is a stupid term anyway. Police forces around the world have long agreed phone books are the best publication for inflicting bodily harm. Personally, I prefer Tasmanian cheeses or small animals native to Uganda. Comedians give God a good going over. No one ever really bags Satan, or for that matter Allah, Buddah and Inish Mahnabuht the Hindu God of Puns. Why don’t we hear more comedic musings on the pitfalls of Satanic Rituals or perhaps a musical comedy number on Buddah’s obvious dietary problems? I think it is because in modern culture, those with spiritual beliefs are in some sort of minority, and minority groups have always been a fat cow to the comedic slaughterhouse!

Christians do deserve a lot of the crap we cop. With all the in fighting, wearing of sandals and cardigans, “loving one another as long as that person is relatively the same as us, or is rich and a hottie”, abusing positions of power and small children, making really weak cordial and growing appalling facial hair. But there are a lot of good points too. Without Christianity the world wouldn’t have Easter and Christmas Holidays, Op shops run by 124 yr olds, ‘The What would Jesus Eat?’ diet and of course Amy Grant CD’s. Ok so maybe I’m not making my point. If God is all powerful, technically he could be the funniest being in the universe if he applied his hand too it. You may notice I called God a ‘He’, that’s because I think he is male. I can’t see him being an animal, vegetable or mineral. I don’t believe he is a woman and I doubt he is a Shim, Heher or Transsexual. I would love to hear God do a stand up spot. “What is with Cats on the Sabbath? “and “Don’t you hate being omnipotent, looking for spots in the supermarket carpark!” Extend that concept of God being all powerful and suddenly he would also be the guru of Sex, Thai cooking, Sudoku puzzles and rock paper scissors!

I want to clarify my reasons for believing in a God. I find it hard to believe that humanity is a mistake, as evolution suggests. Saying an intricate creature like a human developed from rock pool sludge, is as logical as saying Talk Show hosts teeth just naturally get whiter with age! There has to be something bigger and supernatural behind it all out there. For you Sci-Fi geekinoids, I’m not talking about the force, X-Files or the chick in Twilights cleavage.

Personally the idea of eternity is like so loooong. I want to make sure get the venue right. Hell isn’t that good from what I’ve read. I like the warmer climates, but you know the only music would be country and novelty hits from the 70’s, 80’s and 90’s! Maybe God needs to change the marketing of Christianity. Make the bible a Lonely Planet Guide to Life. Look at updating the front of churches including drive thru. Tinkle with the jingle, maybe put some phat beats to ‘Koombyah’ the Skrillex remix, or get some post new-wave-screamo-indie thing happening with “Jesus loves Me” and stick it on Gossip Girl!

I think people look at the believers and not the beliefs when they judge Christianity. You are looking at another person who is just as confused about living and has stuffed up as many times, but has found a way to deal with it via access to a very real God. So don’t be a theophobic wank and bag those who happen to find god…unless of course they start growing bad beards, wearing sandals, and driving cars with fish stickers whilst making watered down cordial!