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I've NEVER seen Star Wars

The Archive of Blackframes.com.au posts

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I've NEVER seen Star Wars

Lach Ryan

Star Wars

I've never seen Star Wars. That statement tends to shock people more than such sentences as;  "I've only killed deliberately once" or " For Passover, I'm making pork!" But it is true. I have never watched the film Star Wars in its entirety. I've seen snippets, but that's not the whole thing is it? Like just because once in Year 9 I saw Kelly Donaldson's boob pop out at the pool; I never would claim I saw her nude.

Currently I am undertaking a course in Screenwriting, and this film seems to the basis for 87.34% of examples and references. When I pointed out to my insightful lecturer, Mr Tim Ferguson, that I hadn't seen the film, he assumed I was joking. It wasn't until my insistently truthful hand stayed raised in response to his question, that he started to realize the impact of my gesture. The man was obviously passionate about the virtues of the movie, and the look of hurt and disbelief reminded me of the face of the semi-trailer truck driver I sent down our town's only one-way road, when I was 12.

Unlike that truck driver, Ferguson quickly maneuvered around my social roadblock and began evangelizing on the wonderful adventures of 2 gay robots, a kid in a karate uniform with a giant laser pointer, Space Indiana Jones and a creature that looks like Yao Ming if he were Teenwolf.  Darth Vader was is in there too. I recognised his voice from countless lame Stand Up bits I have seen over the years. I also recognised for the same reason, that little green Mr Miyagi charachter Yoga.

I understand this epic trilogy (that spawned a trilogy, that spawned countless toys, that spawned countless nerds that failed to spawn anything because they couldn't find a mate) has its appeal. The story of intergalactic civil war, inter-family dynamics and space lasers could be enticing for some, just not me.

I suspect is has dated somewhat from its original 1977 release. These were the days when budgets didn't extend to professionally trained extras, so right from the start I was never intimidated by the ramshackle Stormtroopers in painted white gumboots. The aesthetic of the film just doesn't speak to any sense of nostalgia for me. Instead it represents a stereotype I have not much interest in. You know that saying "The biggest problem with Christianity is Christians" well the same can be said of Star Wars fans. These people act as if no film has been made since, similar to the way your friend's Dad talks about the Beatles/Stones in relation to music. The fact they are so evangelical is frankly scary and off-putting.

These religious parralels are not  exaggerated. In the 2006 Australian Census, 55,000 people claimed Jedi as their primary religion. I always thought Scientology was the religion of nerds, with all the talk of numbers and spaceships, but I was wrong. I think that if you are going to make a set of beliefs of on a piece of popular cinema, at least base it on something good. Back to the Futurists?

Jedism, like all major religons, will need to engage the youth with its major text if it is to survive. I was not the only person in the class to have not seen Star Wars. Tellingly, two chicks (one 15 and another 20-something) had both not seen it. They like me, must have been too busy doing life...or watching Point Break.  Have you seen that?!