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Old posts from the original Blackframes site

>Magic Ian

Lach Ryan

Magic Ian was not like any ordinary Ian; he was magic. A Magician. He just didn’t know it…yet. Ian came from a proud line of other Ian’s. His father, grandfather and great grandmother were all Ian’s. There was a pet guinea pig that came out on the boat, when with the family migrated from Albania to Australia, also named Ian. From a young age, the pressure had been on Ian to live up to the Ian-ness of his forefathers.

On his 33rd birthday, Ian was building flour and candle cake (He would later set it alight with a lighter from the $2 shop, all whilst playing the ‘Happy Birthday’ ringtone of his pre-paid mobile phone.) when he saw of vision of his ancient ancestor guinea pig appear before him in the Pyrex bowl.

“Ian it is I, your ancient ancestor Ian the guinea pig. I am here to revel to you a great truth that will alter the course of your life.” Said the small hairy creature.

“What? This isn’t one of those hoax visions is it?’ asked Ian. ‘Last time a Sexy Banana showed up and told me to drive to tropical Nth Queensland to join the Banana Liberation Front, and we got there she told me to wait in the car…and she never came back!”

“I don’t know about any sexy bananas but this is real and very important.” explained the little visionary ball of fluff ‘Ian you are magic. A Magic Ian if you will!”

Poof! The vision disappeared and Ian was left to ponder the revelation over the course of his birthday celebrations. That night Ian was at the car wash, indulging his Sunday night tradition of turning his $5 notes into $1 coins, in preparation for the week ahead. A glint caught his eye in the dirty suds of a vacant bay. Ian went over to investigate, his lederhosen looking resplendent in the neon glow of the lights.

He reached the suds, plunged down his hand and pulled out a 20 cent piece. Ian held it to the light, strangely transfixed like a goldfish. It was just a 20 cent piece. How many times he had used them to buy sherbet or stuck them in his bottom. What was so special about this one? Then suddenly an urge came over him and his hands manoeuvred themselves around the coin…and it was gone.

“Wow!” said a voice. Ian turned around. It was an attractive Indian Engineering student washing her Mazda 323.

“The coin just disappeared…I have never seen such thing!” said the girl. Ian was unexplainably drawn to her, and found his red nail polished fingers reaching behind the girl’s uncommonly hairy left ear.

“Is this the coin you’re talking about?” Said and newly, and uncharacteristically, confident Ian. He felt like a young Tom Jones on wizz fizz.

Lying in bed that night Ian realised the events of the carwash and the guinea pig vision were related. He started to see that maybe he could be magic. It was then he decided to quit his job and enrol in a magic course.

Many thought Ian a fool when he announced he was closing down his successful Sea Monkey breeding operation. But Ian knew that industry better than anyone. Exports were down, and the monkey game wasn’t what it was in its heyday of the mid 90’s. That was when a young Ian took a punt on buying an old dam and invested in the love of two rare varieties of Sea Monkeys. This breeding program would create the world’s most popular breed, Auquastralis Ianis, and make Ian one of the top 5 Sea Monkey breeders in the world!

Many also thought Ian a fool when he enrolled in the Diploma of Magicinary at the local Clowning, Mime and Street Performers Institute. The same many started to worry about the people with whom Ian associated. With their lifestyles, questionable dress sense and influence on an impressionable Ian.

But many were surprised when Ian, 3 years later graduated top of his class and started his own Jim’s Magic franchise business, specialising in funeral entertainment. Business is slow, but Ian feels more Ian-y than he ever has, now that he’s a Magician!