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The Archive of posts

Old posts from the original Blackframes site

>I don't like Cricket

Lach Ryan

For years it has been brewing. A distaste for arguably Australia’s national least in the Summer months. I, internet user, do not like Cricket. I don’t love it. At all. 

Cricket and I flirted for a little while during my childhood. It was around the neighbourhood and we played some games, as Kids do. In my teams we even had a few dates. A summer fling when I was 14 threatened to get serious. I bought whites, a box and joined a team. Things were going well. Then cricket broke my heart....and my expensive mid-range Gray & Nicholls bat that I bought through a mail order catalogue. After that Cricket just didn’t do it for me. It was too easy. Always winning, going around talking itself up. We went our separate ways in my late teens and haven’t reconnected since.
Why is it I don’t care for cricket you ask? Well I could give you a detailed answer but I try to restrict these things to approx 600 words. Simply the game is boring.
What sport allows one of its all time greats, to be in such physical condition as to consume enough beer to break world records on the way to a tournament? One does not need to be physically fit to play this game. If I wanted to see fatties running around, I would go to Costco and watch the frenzy of the 10 minutes to close specials table.The game is boring because it attracts and is played by nerds. Look at the padding, the lack of physical contact, the statistics! OHHHHH the bloody statistics!
The personalities of the star players are dry as plaster, which is ironic as advertiser tend to plaster their nerdish, ugly faces all over multimedia mediums during the season. Why would a cricketer be able to convince me to buy oil for my car, breakfast cereal for my child or hair for my head? The game is boring because it goes too long. Tests last 5 days....about the sometime as a women’s period which is far less excruciating to endure. 20/20 is a step in the right direction, but if something has to be reduced down to that % of its original size, was it that good to begin with?
Perhaps one of my big gripes with the sport is that it gave birth to the Bogan King that is Shane Warne. Not only has Mr Warne bought us such bleached gel spiked escapades such as texty-sexty, the quit smoking by smoking method and the all-bean sportsman diet, he now contributes to the national agenda via his own prime time TV show. Hasn't this man done enough for our culture? I don't think I have ever been more embarrased to be Australian than seeing the debut of this show. It made me want to move to New Zealand. I know this is not the sort of patriotic act Mr Warne's deeds oft inspire in the public, but enough is enough. They are talking about naming a burger after him, which is probably fair as I would assume he would be an expert on them.
What is wrong with our National psyche when a dull game such as cricket can capture our imagination, and one of its has-been offspring go onto host prime time TV entertainment. Surely there are more than a Cricket team worth of talented new comers sitting on the fence, waiting for the chance to contribute to the nations cultural make up via their creative output. But we go back to sport,and barely a sport at that, while our best and brightest are left to make burgers and such. At least for the meantime....