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An open letter to Barack Obama, President of the World

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An open letter to Barack Obama, President of the World

Lach Ryan

Obama President of the World

Dear Mr President Obama Congratulations on being President of the World for the 2nd time in a row. Bad luck however on not making Top 10 in Men's Health "Best Dude's with grey/or flecked grey hair". It was a tough year. There was Clooney as usual, but I saw Richard Gere was back in the list, that dude from Grey's Anatomy and even Clinton got a run. I know how badly you wanted it.

Anyway I thought I would write you a letter as I noticed in a picture on the internet that your White House has a letterbox. I also like the idea that some US Government Agency employee will probably have to scan this post to determine if I am a threat to National Security. I guess as President of the World, you would get lots of letters. Do you know Fred Savage? You must get to meet heaps of cool people!

I also like how you have your own real life set of Lego. You have a full plane, a helicopter, a special Police squad, dragon slayers and even your own farm. If I was you, I would be always swapping the pants of the people that worked for me because that's the best bit about Lego. In one scene a Policeman can be rescuing a cow from a dragon, then the next minute relaxing in a helicopter wearing red slacks.

I notice you always seem to wear suits. Once or twice I saw you wearing a chino pant and some hand gestures, but mostly it is suits. Do you go to Hong Kong and get them specially made? My friend Mick does. He's as big as a basketballer, so they don't make clothes for him in normal land. I think it’s funny that such a big man gets clothes made by such little men.

You like basketball huh? I guess you probably gave up an NBA career to pursue politics. I heard that the Harlem Globetrotters were running your social media campaign and also formed much of your fiscal policy. Do you use lots of basketball terminology in the Oval Office? Like ‘Hey Team, let’s take a time out on this Iran thing’ or ‘That’s a tech foul Hilary! A tech foul’ or ‘Boomshakalaka’ or ‘Rebook Pumps’? I bet you do. You’re the coolest President since Charlie Sheen’s Dad.

I like that you are a family man. Your wife Michelle is doing OK for a lady who’s an ‘Outback Summer’ (definitely over 40). You don't see much of your Mum, Oprah, on TV anymore though. Your Kids look like fun- do they have their own whale like in that movie ‘Free Willy’? If I was President of the World, I would give my kids a whale. My parents never let me have one, mostly because we lived inland but also because we already had two cars and some bikes in the carport.

Your full name is a bit weird! Barack Hussein Obama II; does that mean you are the second version? Are you the slimmer upgrade with bug fixes? What happened to the first Barack? Is he in a draw somewhere? I read that people used to call you Barry. My Dad’s uncle was called Barry. He used to own a swimming pool and spear fish kickboards after hours, whilst drinking cask wine in his underpants.

I also read that you are a Christian. Me too! Does God talk to you sometimes? Once in church I heard God telling me to become a physiotherapist. It was really quiet but clear. It turned out it was just my Mum prayer-bombing me. Do you ever prayer-bomb people? It’s when they are praying and you say stuff in a way that makes them think its God. Dick Cheney used to do it to your friend Mr Bush all the time.

Well good luck in running the world for the next four years. I think that if Aliens or Arnold Schwarzenegger are really true then you should tell everyone. I also think that you maybe you need to take a look at your homeland’s roads. When I was there, I saw lots of road crews fixing potholes. All over the same roads were other fixed potholes. Perhaps rather than just always fixing potholes, they could stop, rip the road up and lay it all down again. But I’m sure you have got more important things to consider than a new approach to roadwork. Let's just HOPE Fred Savage gets onto it or something.

Yours Truly,