As a veteran of many punk rock shows and rock festivals, I have earned my share of scene points. Two kids tend to keep me away from live music these days, unless you count a 3yr old banging out elctro-polka on a Playmaker keyboard from Toys R Us as a 'show'.
I feel this experience is all going to waste and so I am compelled to pass on my gig-going wisdom. At any gig there are always a few tools capable of ruining the fun, so I have compiled a list of the types of guys to avoid at gigs.
Make sure at the next live show you avoid these idiots like a saxophone solo.
1. Tipsy McTiptip- this guy singlehandedly ensures live venues continue to have sticky carpets despite the advances in modern steam cleaning. He literally can’t hold his drink, managing to meet his current girlfriend after spilling a pint of cider all over her handbag.
2. iTunes idiot- back in the day, people would know the entire album of a band’s material before forking over their hard earned cash to see them live. These days, thanks to iTunes, having just two songs on your ‘Pumped’ playlist justifies seeing them live. This idiot will ruin the sing-along for everyone, especially during ‘that’ song that was on ‘that’ movie.
3. The BFG- The BFG (Big Freak of the Gig) is the tallest man in the room and with the best view. People behind him hate him. He is the Moses of the room, parting the pit like the Red Sea allowing passersby a safe passage through the crowd. When things get heavy, he’ll become the launch pad for many crowd surfers journey to the front.
4. Last of the Mohawkings – No matter what genre it is; from Swedish Cloudcore to Ambient Nashville Neo-Folk, this guy will be rocking the Mohawk like it is London 1976. His hair acts as a periscope looking for attention in the sea of faces. Avoid him as he has been known to take out eyeballs.
5. Air Gordon- Usually a multi-air instrumentalist, Gordo will switch smoothly from air guitar to air drums, all within the space of a verse. These days, Air Gordon’s are also starting to appear at electronic gigs, giving the air decks a spin and bring their own air-vinyl collection. Always keep a close eye on this one as his moves can look very similar to someone having stroke.
6. The So You Think You Can Dancer- This dude is clearly a genre-bender. It doesn't matter how many BPM the drummer is getting out of the double-kick, or the way the lead guitarist is shredding minds with his fret work, this bro’ will still be pulling moves straight from the Introductory Salsa class he took with his cousin when they were considering dating. He’ll also probably be wearing a fedora.