An Open Letter to those who don't buy their own Underwear

Dear anyone who doesn't buy their own underwear,

Let me begin by stating that if you are under the age of 18, you can go back to watching YouTube videos about what happens if you put garlic under your pillow. The government won't allow you to drive, drink or vote so you shouldn't be expected to source your own smalls!

Those of you who are past the age of legality and can freely walk into a department store, supermarket or even the odd camping retailer to buy their own attire for their privates - listen up!

Stop. Stop this nonsense. Strip off all your outer layers and take a good look in the mirror. Do you see an independent, decisive man or women of the world, one who is aware that they are shaping their legacy with every small decision of each day? Or do you see some slacker who is wearing a piece from the Bonds multipack they got for their last birthday... or was it Christmas? Please tell me it wasn't Easter. 

You need to realise the dynamic at play here. By receiving these under-goods you are enabling a social disease of the provider. Have you considered their psychological state? They need help. Why are they so pre-occupied with your adult underthings? Haven't they got better things to worry about? It could be you Mum, Pop, Aunt, neighbour or even your Personal Trainer but it can't go on no matter how much you enjoy the breathing qualities of bamboo fabric.

In most cases, the supplier will never do as a good a job selecting as the owner/wearer. Usually pre-purchased pants/panties are infantile and unsexy. Quick test- take a look at under the waistband of your pants. Do you see superheroes, names of the days of the week or cartoon flowers? Case closed.

I also have a feeling that your type are the same people who wear underwear at the beach. Guess what? We do notice and we do care. Please stop. Lycra and cotton are two different fabrics and the difference between polite society and post-apocalyptic Waterworld.

If this is about fear or embarrassment then get over it! You are a grown ass human and that ass is covered by underwear others bought for you. 

Here's a scenario to mind marinate on. Which is worse; bumping into one of the dinner guests in the intimates aisle of the department store or admitting to the table that you have relative/family friend buy your briefs?

Take heart wearers of outsourced underwear, the internet is here to help you. Google "Subscription Underwear". You can simply subscribe to one of these services and they'll send underwear to you in the mail. I think it sounds a bit creepy but it seems to be quite popular.

Another solution may live in the land of the rising sun and lowering sense of decency. In Japan, there is a whole industry built around people who buy used undergarments. If you are entrepreneurial enough this model could be flipped so that the pervs supply you with fresh ones. 

Maybe none of this matters. It will all come full circle when we are elderly. There will be a time when; walking up the pathway to Death's door, another person will not only select your underwear but also change it for you.

Like the kid at McDonalds once told me during McFlurry Mash-up Month - enjoy the freedom of choice while you still have it.

Yours in trunks selected with my own hands,

Lach