An open letter to Prince William

Dear Prince William,

Today I turn 33 which is also how old you will be in June. I know we are of a similar age, as my Mother always reminded me of this growing up as if somehow I may have a distant claim to the throne.

As I reflect on the passing of another year, I  cant help but compare achievements (or lack of them) to yours. 

You and I have much in common. Both born the year 1982 AD, we have grown to be fine young men over 6ft in stature, one with experience serving his country in the military and the other who prefers to wear a military coloured chino pant when visiting the country. 

We are now both Fathers to a son and a daughter, and can now say we’ve collected the whole set. Are you like me and have no interest in having a spare one? They are so expensive aren't they?! Perhaps when you’re a Duke and own the whole of Cambridge the prices of knitwear at Seed Baby aren't that big an issue. If you are interested, I’ve heard you can get a discount on vasectomies if you book as a group. Perhaps we could get the snip together? I would even let you have the honours of cutting my ribbon, so to speak. I hear you are quite good at the sort of thing and imagine that when you are a rich royal, the cure to the boredom of privilege may be found in things like severing a strangers vasa deferentia.

I was happy to hear of the arrival on Charlotte. I saw on the internets many snaps from the paps. Whilst I could spend another letter writing about why I would never wear dress pants, blue sweater and open neck shirt as casual attire until I am over 85, I thought you looked presentable.

Then I saw your hair.

Despite all that we share in common dear Prince, there is only one of us is still holding onto the hopes that people won’t notice our thinning hairline. 

I will let you in on something- they notice! 

They notice more than a notice about notifying stuck to a noticeboard that gives you a pop-up notification if anybody notices your notice.

Prince William it is now time to shave your head. Your are 33 this year- time for it to go. This is our Jesus year! 

What you haven’t heard of this concept? Jesus was a man who was on a mission, he didn't live by halves…or past 33. When you look at his life it is admirable that he achieved most of his public ministry over three short years. What he did for the other thirty is unknown, but we can assume he completed an apprenticeship, had the flu, took a few holidays around the Mediterranean and at some point learnt to swim.

But you have achieved so much in your life, and in comparison I have achieved so little! However at least I know when my hair had its time and could be put into an early retirement. Your hair looks like it is two years from retirement and holding out for a package. Make the call and shave the thing. Think how nice that crown will feel on a smooth dome when you become king! Kate will love it - all ladies love bald men, as will be proven by the flood of supportive emails I will receive from this post!

You are now a real dad with two children, not just some young royal guy who has a kid! It is time to stand up and be the Majesty of makeovers.  Rule over those thinning locks and cast them from the Commonwealth! Did you not know you will also inherit the title of the Prince of Baldness (Kelly Slater currently has it but isn’t doing too much with it…I think he opened a Taco stand in Maui with it last month…)?

I look forward to that coming day when we will all say “May God shave the King!”

Yours baldly,
Lach