An Open Letter to President Donald Trump, THE APPRENTICE

Dear President Trump,

I write to you as I did your predecessor upon his inauguration, in the spirit of addressing the zeitgeist and chasing the clicks. If ever a President knew anything about chasing the click it’s you, right? There was that time that President Bush thought the ‘clicks’ were a Pakistani tribal sect and dispatched a Navy Seals unit after them. Poor Colin Powell had to recall them and explain to Bush the power of Google Analytics.

Anyway, I digress.

As a busy parent, I haven't really had time to engage with your election. Then again, there was a significant proportion of Americans who didn’t engage with your election either. That explains why you're now POTUS. Why that acronym? Do you know? It sounds like a yoga pant brand to me. Do you wear yoga pants? I imagine if you do, they have the presidential seal strategically placed over your crotch.

I am not an expert on American politics, but many people seem annoyed that you are the new Barrack Obama. I don’t know much about you but I’ve heard you like to grab cats and enjoy sun showers.

The first 100 days in a big new job can be tough. They say a good idea is to not make too many changes and just get a feel for things, whilst you build some good relationships. You seem to have a few good friendships underway. Seems that you and Putin are good friends. Do you have you plans to hunt tigers together? 

My lack of interest in your Presidency has much to do with the fact that I am an Australian citizen. We are the country that makes Jennifer Hawkins. Did you know good looking women are our 9th biggest export behind beef? We could have traded some with you…oh well.

Back in 2004 when you were still in your mid-80s, Jenny was Miss Universe. You own that don't you? I mean the competition, not the actual universe. In your current position, you may think you do, but the reality is this - you are just in a much better position than the rest of us to stuff it up.

To paraphrase your cameo line in Zoolander “Without Donald Trump, America wouldn't be what it is today.” Tomorrow is only four years away.

Until then, try not to kill us all, leave the Muslims alone and realise if you build the wall, you are only giving the Canadians an idea.

Yours from afar,

Lach