Of Cats and Dogs

There are two types of people in this world cat lovers and cat haters. I, dear reader, am anti cat. I make the exception when it comes to football team mascots. If only all cats could be adorable as Half Cat, the team mascot of my beloved Geelong Football Club. The reality is it’s just a suit worn by some weird old primary school teacher who likes having an excuse to wear lycra and high-five little kiddies. People will tell you that cats were highly revered in ancient Egyptian culture, but the only time I’m taking the advice of Egypt is when I need instructions on mummification or how to build affordable public housing from triangles. Cat sympathizers will also try and extol the domestic capabilities of a cat, stressing their independence. Independent? Now, I can’t speak for everyone but I am yet to encounter a cat that is so independently self-sufficient that after returning from a hard day at the office is capable of fixing its own three course meal, before using the toilet and remembering to put the seat down.

I blame the 1980’s popularity of that lasagna gorging vagabond of a comic cat, Garfield, for the cat-loving world we live in today. When the revolution is complete and I have taken my place on the bus of power, traveling down Influence St, I will commission an episode of Garfield. In it Alf (that 80s cat eating alien) will appear and annihilate the pro-cat poster boy.

I am, and always will be a dog man. Please don’t be misguided by that last statement. I’m not some hideous by-product of a young gypsy woman who was once ravaged by a pack of wild wolves, and nine months later gave birth to a pupaby. I wasn’t bought up in a circus as Wolfgang the Wolf Boy, and educated by a mixture of midgets and clowns. I didn’t manage to escape at the age of 18 and move to the Northern Europe to eventually become the world’s biggest truffle mining magnate. That’s not the case at all! I’m merely stating my preference for dogs as pets.

I’ve previously had two Jack Russell’s. Just to clarify again, I’m NOT the love child of a Great Forest Wolf and a traveling gypsy poet, capable of giving birth to litters of Jack Russell pups.It’s impossible. Any vet will tell you that males can’t give birth.

Jack Russell’s are so hyper they bleed Red Bull. The condition A.D.D originated from them. Apparently some kid in Wales was bitten by one in the 1800’s. It spread from there, slowly making its way through the generations only to appear in the schools and homes of suburban Australia, their plight being documented by quality social journalistic endeavors such as Today Tonight.

My last J.R was called Rusty. He was tan in color and aged poorly if left to the elements, hence the name. This dog was super human. He had negative body fat and no functioning organs, just muscles. His list of achievements included tree climbing (I know you pussy protectors out there will be scoffing at this suggestion, but let’s just see who’s paw prints are on Mt Everest’s peak first!), biting the tyre of a speeding cement mixer and eating through the wire of a bird cage. This was the dog equivalent of the Terminator. Mum had to give him away; at least that’s what she told me. I still believe he’s in the hands of the government, as part of some super secret pet police. Did I also mention he could fly?

Different people get different pets. There really is something for everyone. Gold Fish are the low maintenance option of the busy professional; Mexican Walking Fish for the busy professional who likes to exercise. Hamsters are a perfect pet for small children who enjoy a good epileptic fur ball. It seems ferrets and snakes are suited to single males with criminal convictions. Injured native animals are popular with bush-based folk artists, who have shunned the trappings of modern life such as showers and toilet paper. But the most common choice of the average human inhabitant of earth is the cat or the dog.

It is this choice that will determine a person’s future. Very soon a revolution will come to rid the world of cats (including any amateur or professional musical production associated with them) and cat sympathizers. They will be swept aside, and left to bow down to their pro-dog overlords. You have been warned - The choice is now yours!