>Tips and lessons from a New Dad

Bill Cosby wrote a book about Parenthood which I have read. I only wrote the following. In my defense I have never had my own sitcom but was friends with a Guy we called 'Fat Adam' (sounds a bit like Albert?)

  • Don’t worry about the small things- unless the ‘small thing’ is a weird spot that smells funny. Good chance it may be infected and you should get it checked out!
  • Sleep is a luxury- similar to roundabouts, it’s a privilege and not a right. Take what you can get when you can. You’ll be amazed when you can do it if you try- standing up, driving, at work, in queues or pruning a hedge. Also it doesn’t have to be your whole body. Legs can be asleep whilst the upper torso functions  and vice versa.
  • Respect for Women - This goes without saying, but after watching your wife give birth you understand why. They can push humans out of their bits!
  • Take good photos- everyone will want to see them and also want them. You’ll probably take more than a work experience kid at a Victoria Secret’s shoot, but you can always delete them. Avoiding stray boobs in the shots is a great tip for beginners. Avoid the temptation to enter children for modelling work and commercials- sure the camera loves them, but no one likes a stage parent!
  • Poo is complex- it used to be gross and occasionally funny. Now it can be statistically and medicinally important.
  • Sporks - eating one handed whilst holding a baby is a skill that can’t be mastered without the aid of the much maligned spork. Knowing this is one thing, knowing where to purchase an actual spork is another!
  • Trust your instincts- You DO know what is best for your mini-human. Sure Nurses and Dr’s have the advantage of education, experience and lifetime of medical findings to draw on, but everyone sometimes has a case of the Cant-Be’s at work. Unfortunately that will be the day you have a check up/ injection/appointment with them. That issue with duck-like breathing is a concern, even though Ms Midwife only concern seems a hangover from Big Day Out the previous day. Go with your gut, even though it doesn’t have a PHD. Eventually someone will agree with you!
  • Get help- ask parents and in-laws for advice, the very fact you have them shows they know how to keep a child alive for a bit. Take food from friends and strangers. The food may not feature in your regular diet or even qualify as cooking on a technical level, but you need to eat and can’t always do the proceeding cooking part.
  • Get use to the mess- and not just on the domestic front. Your social, sex, fitness and fashion life will be a shadow of their former selves for at least a few weeks. Be OK  with being a track-suited sedentary, celibate hermit for one to months and life will be shiny! If it lasts any longer you are in danger of becoming American and may need to move countries.
  • Ignore everything- don’t do it. Just ignore all the advice and do what you think is best. After all its your kid! They don’t have to sleep then, or feed like that. That item of clothing is ridiculous and your kid is cooler than that. Go there-Who cares if you have to take a baby?! Raise the type of person you want to be in the world. Hopefully they, and society,will thank you for it.