An Open Letter to Jerry Seinfeld

Dear Jerry

Firstly, thanks for your TV show. I really liked it. Really. Although, I was never sure of the name. I think naming it after your surname, whilst a nice homage to your Dad's family, was a bit lazy. Studio execs knew that Baywatch would have been half the show it was had they called it Hasselhoff-Anderson.
Jerry, I write to you now because I  recently realized that you played a big role in me entering into Stand Up comedy. All those years of watching the show had romanticized your vocation of modern court jester. So I felt I too would step into the world of comedy...but things are not like you suggest.
The following, Mr Seinfeld, are some of my observations about how stand up is different to how you portray it.
  • Stage Attire- White running shoes are for fitness, Jeans are for fun and fashion. Jeans and runners are for the recently released, be it mental or penal institutions. When a look is named after you, its usually a good thing. Somehow you made it a bad thing. Also, no one wears a jacket on stage unless its a corporate gig. Even then though they would wear a tie, not just a shirt done up.
  • Accommodation- How do you afford a two bedroom apartment in Manhattan on a Comedian's wage? I know the scene is much better, and your are quite good, but in Melbourne we don't even draw a wage. In fact if most Comedians were businesses we would be running at a loss. Why do you have a bike hanging up? We never see you ride it. Did you know it leaves a much smaller carbon footprint and would put those runners of your to some use. Although the jeans may be an issue.
  • Material- as funny as your observations on stage may be, your real life conversations and friends are much funnier. I suspect this is a case for most comics, and people in general. Perhaps this is why only 2% of Australia has ever seen a live comedy performance...and unfortunately that would be most likely at venues like the Comics Lounge where they sell tickets at shopping malls in sheets of 20.
  • Superannuation- Do you have it? Does it concern you? Comedians seem to have no insurance, super or unions. How can it possibly be a formal career choice without structure. I pretty sure even prostitutes have that now. Does it worry you? I think its important. Otherwise we'd all end up alcoholics, selling knives at Big W or worse of all on low rating commercial radio.
So as you can see, some of your portrayals turned out to be anything but true.  I believe that somewhere comedy is as great as you make it out, but just not around here. That's OK, though because there is this new show that I am really liking called Dexter... he helps solve crimes....in a way...maybe I could do that?
High-fives,
Lach